The scale said WHAT? (GAH!)

Oh man oh man oh man.

Everything associated with the move to California has been a mess. My weight is just one more part of it.

I gained 20 pounds in the move, and then stopped running and gained 15 more since December.

So now I'm flirting with the edge of 200, and feeling really annoyed about it.

However, I got back on track. I got a "fitbook", which I love, as it helps me plan and keep track of my exercise and nutrition (without freaking about calories), and I've been running 3 times per week plus doing strength training once or twice a week.

I lost five pounds the first week.

I gained two the next.

And today? The scale is telling me I gained three more. Along with 2% body fat!

How is this possible?? How can a person gain two percent body fat in three days--since Friday, when last I weighed myself??

Welcome back to Frustrationland!! AGAIN!

(Sigh!)

I don't understand this. I wish I hadn't bought one of those fancy scales that gives you the body fat percentage. It's just confusing me. I might give it away and get a cheapo plain scale.

I used to have a big, glass scale we got at Brookstone, and it was simply a digital scale. But it was so huge and heavy, and you couldn't tuck it away anywhere, so I gave it away when we moved. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have it back. I tracked in the 0.1 range for weight, and as I said--it didn't do the body fat thing.

Anyway, it really makes me mad more than anything. I didn't lose 100 pounds only to regain 35 of it.

Again, not that, in the grand scheme of things, it's such a huge deal. At a size 12, I'm still way more healthy than I was at a size 20. And being able to run a 5K at an 11 minute per mile pace is pretty darn awesome too. I'm sure my cholesterol and triglycerides are doing fine, they always are when I eat lots of salmon and walnuts and all that good stuff, which I am right now. In fact, I'm actually eating disgustingly healthfully, a lot of organic, very little sugar (OK I had two...three!...cookies yesterday), and lots of "real" food. I only shop the "perimeter" of the store, where all the fresh stuff is, and rarely venture into the aisles unless I need cereal for Kent and the kids.

What I'm not doing is eating a lot of veggies, but the fitbook has a checkoff for veggies so that's helping me there.

Again, as I said, in the grand scheme of things, I'm a lot healthier than I was. I'm more fit, more active, stronger, and more capable than I was for 15 years.

However, I'm not where I was last June, and right now that's killing me. I liked being that fit; I liked being able to run 20 miles. And I liked feeling slim and small, although I must admit, my face got a little too thin. I was looking a little haggard there. Or was that the two solid weeks of packing that did it? (wink!)

I think right now what's bothering me the most is that I don't feel small like I did before. I liked that feeling. Like Kent and I weren't the same size--and frankly, for a while, we were. And right now, with my clothes the wrong size, even if they're mediums and larges (and not extra-large or 1x or 2x), I still don't feel small.

So back to the drawing board. I just finished reading a book called Real Food, by Nina Planck, and she wrote a lot of interesting things about eating real eggs and real milk and even butter, not that I want to slather all my food in a pound of butter, but certainly it's better than hydrogenated margarine.

I will keep on the pace I'm on--strength training, running, and try to add walks in where I'm not doing either. And I'm tracking my food now, so I'll be better about getting those veggies and fruits in. That's something that, frankly, I've been horrible at lately, and I know that I was eating way more of them when I was lighter. And I need to re-read YOU: On a Diet, by Dr. Oz. I did that before and it helped me to see it was all physiological.

And right now, when the scale is telling me I gained 3 pounds and 2% body fat in one weekend, I need all the help I can get to remember it's NOT the Diet Gods out to get me.

I just gotta get back in the zone of want-power; I can do this. I did it before. I will do it again.

Have fun and enjoy health!

New Year, New Me?

Wow. I thought I was going to be better about this, and somehow life intervened. It's been a crazy ride but I think we're settled, now...

When last I posted, I had joined a couch-to-10K program. That kinda went by the wayside, although it got me trained enough to run the Portland, Oregon Kaiser Permanente 5-miler in early October, and in about a 10 1/2 min/mile pace, which is not bad considering how out of practice I was. The 5-miler was run just after the Portland Oregon marathon was begun; being there with the other marathoners was energizing, and the announcer who was telling everyone to stick with their training, hydrate, and so forth was really amazing.

Anyway, the next week I found myself back home in Maine for a fabulous two weeks with my girls. Kent stayed home to teach, but we got to go back and see our friends, stay overnight in our own house, stay the last time in my in-laws' condo (it has since been sold), and say a proper goodbye to all the places we love. And we got to spend time with Auntie Sue, the girls' Godmother, who drove up from Hoboken to be with us for a couple of the days.

My house in Maine

When we got back to Redding, we were essentially homeless; my sister had decided while we were in Maine that since she had upcoming surgery, she would need her "space" and "quiet", and told Kent we needed to be out by the following Sunday, the day after we arrived back home. She eventually relented enough to tell Kent that he and Maddy could stay there, but that Kara and I had to go to Eureka. Considering I had to be in Redding quite a lot anyway since we were in escrow on a house, that made no sense, and Kent refused to split us up, especially since we were still living out of suitcases. All our stuff was still in storage in Maine.

Anyway, that gave us exactly 5 days to find someplace to live; considering nobody rents apartments starting the middle of the month, and we couldn't afford anything more than a no-tell motel (which I would not subject my daughters to), we ended up moving to my in-laws' home in Willow Creek, two hours away. Thus began a hellacious 2-week odyssey of driving back and forth from Willow Creek to Redding, two hours each way, every singe day. Even on the weekend we had to drive in for either horse lessons for Maddy or school events for Kent. On only two days did Kara and I stay home; the other days we drove in. I could recount the hours spent sitting in the parking lot of the local library while Kara slept in the car, as we waited for Kent and Maddy to get done with school so we could drive two hours back to Willow Creek, only to do it all over again the next day...but it would bore you as much as it did me.

It takes a lot of work to be homeless.

Finally, we were in an apartment for a month. Kara and I went out almost daily for a run and walk, because there was nothing else to do but sit there and watch tv, which got very boring. That month went by in a blur of nothingness, but finally our anniversary arrived at the end of November, and with it the keys to our new home.

Our "home away from home" while in exile in California

We quickly started moving our possessions over to the house--what little we had, which was what we brought with us in the car and what came over with Maddy, and the few things we'd bought since. My in-laws AGAIN came through by bringing us some beds and blankets, some utensils, cups and so forth, so we could move into our home for real. We lived like that for a week, until our things finally arrived from Maine on December 5, 2008--almost exactly five months after we had packed them.

We were so happy to see the word MAINE on this truck!

The next month (December) was taken up with finishing painting (almost the entire inside), unpacking, putting away, setting up, and breaking down boxes. It took two weeks, and then we were off to Eureka for Christmas with the family. We were there for a week, and Kara had her 2nd birthday party at my in-laws' house the day after Christmas. Then we came back home, and started to live "life for real".

Looking back, I suppose my sister did us a favor overall. Despite the two hour drive, my daughter announced that she'd rather do the drive if it meant we got to be a family again, just us four. And it was nice to get back into our own routines, and not always worry about if I was disturbing them when they were trying to watch tv. I did that one time too many, and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

The sad part is that my sister's and my relationship is somewhat strained since; I was angry enough not to go see her in the hospital, where her cyst removal turned into a hysterectomy; she was insensitive enough to tell me that she "wished" that she and I "had the kind of relationship" where we were like best friends.

My apologies for digressing here...but it IS my blog, isn't it? ;D ...what blows me away is that I am used to the kind of relationship where people do what they can to help, and you do the same. It's not like I didn't cook, or clean; I did. It's not like I didn't run errands and ferry kids around; I did. But when it came down to it, she was interested in her recovery to the exclusion of everyone else.

My example of the difference is this: that when her ex-husband's truck died, it was our brother who drove him an hour away to his home; when she needs her kids to go to Eureka because she's got something else to do, she either has our parents drive over to get them, or she meets them "halfway" in Weaverville...two hours for them, one for her. By comparison, when my in-laws realized that our whole family was down with the flu, they offered to drive six hours to pick up Auntie Sue (who's flying in to Oakland tomorrow), then another four to drive her up to Redding; then they'd still have three more to get home.

THAT is the kind of give-and-take we're used to. And can't you tell, it still bothers me.

Wow, that was really a digression. But that's also part of the "What the heck are we doing here" piece, because if we're here for family, and that family routinely puts themself first to the exclusion and detriment of everyone else...well, that's not the kind of family connection we were looking for. We want to be loved, not "used". We want family to want to come over and visit, not ask us to come pick up her kid and ferry her here or there.

So since we got settled into our new house, I've been looking for jobs. I want something I can do after school is over so I can stay home with Kara, and I'm selfish enough to want to love what I'm doing. I have a feeling that's pretty selfish, especially in this economy.

I've also done a little running, once with Maddy. But I hadn't really gotten back into things. Something felt...off. Weird. I think it's not being in Maine. Kent and I keep saying, Yes, we're here for family...but that's it. There is no other connection. The crazy weather (80 degrees yesterday on January 15!!) is kinda nice, especially since it's 1 degree (yes, ONE) in Kennebunkport tonight...but other than that? Nothing. We just don't feel this place is home. We keep saying, "two years". We'll see...it depends on whether Kent can get rehired at his old place on the pay scale. If he has to start over...well...maybe not.

So things were going along kinda weird, like I didn't know what was next...and then Kara got sick...and then I got slammed. Think an hour and a half of cramping stomach that has you rolling around on the ground talking about the emergency room. The only reason I didn't let Kent take me was I didn't want to wake the girls. Holy cow. It eventually passed, but I had the worst stomach flu over the next 24 hours. As a runner, I never got sick much--and I haven't been that sick since April of 2006, which I remember because it's when I discovered I was pregnant with Kara.

The illness was eye-opening, though. I realized how far I had gone from my healthy lifestyle. I was staying up late, not sleeping enough, not eating well, not drinking enough water (although I drink a lot of decaf tea), and definitely not running or even walking. I spend too much time hunched over a computer--granted, some of it job-searching--but as I was lying there between spasms on the floor, I told Kent, "I'm so sorry, I can't believe this, you're awake because I let this happen." He ended up having to the day off school because he was up most of the night with me; then it turned into two days off school when Maddy came down with the same thing I did. Poor Kent had to disinfect floors (after Maddy "christened" them being sick all the way down the thankfully-tiled hallway), make runs to the store for sprite and kids' motrin, and basically run things while I spent most of my time in bed or curled up in a ball somewhere.

Today I felt well enough to actually get up and start doing some laundry that needed to be washed. All I needed was to let some germ-infested blanket re-infect us all! Kent is a little bit sick now, too, not nearly where we were, but definitely sick. The plague has definitely hit.

So I got to wondering, what lessons do I learn from this mis-adventure? A lot! And oddly enough, I already learned them once before:

• Get enough sleep. This is job #1!
• Eat good food. Eat REAL food--nothing processed, nothing fake, just good stuff as close to its natural state as possible.
• Drink enough water; decaf tea works but water is really excellent for keeping you hydrated. Important when you're sick.
• Get out for walks at least, runs if possible.
• Keep everyone to a good, solid schedule, so that everyone has enough energy and fuel to get them through their various activities.
• Have a purpose, a goal, a focus.

This last one is what's been eluding me. In Maine, I was working at Borders, watching while Kara grew up, and enjoying the waxing and waning of each year through the various seasons. Here, everything is pretty much always the same; sometimes it's a bit colder, sometimes a bit warmer, but there are flowers blooming outside the local Holiday Market, for heaven's sake! There are no seasons to this place, so it is hard to find any kind of natural beginning and ending to anything. It's all kind of the same.

I don't have a job yet, and we are not connected to this house at all. Again, I go back to feeling like we're here treading water, just biding our time until we can go home. A forced exile, if you will. We are Mainer Expatriates living in a foreign culture.

So my purpose, my goal, my focus....

Well, there is a half marathon coming up in May in Humboldt County, and the Bay to Breakers in San Francisco in May as well. Those will do for goals. Purpose and focus? Be a good Mom, I suppose; help us get through the time until we decide we want to stay here for sure, or go home. We do still have our house there. It never sold, so it's being rented. That means we do still have time to decide if we want to go back. Right now, we say resoundingly yes!

The big part of my focus is going to be not getting myself so unhealthy that I fall prey to illnesses that I would normally shrug off. I know I left myself wide open for this--my sister and her girls got sick often enough while we were there that I should have gotten something, but I never did. Until I stopped running, sleeping, and eating properly.

The purpose? I'm not so sure. I'm still working on that one. I know we're here in California for something; the job was too easy to get, the move to fast to have been without reason. As my father-in-law said, it was the right decision at the time. Now? We feel it was a massive error. But we didn't know until we tried. So now we sit and wait to find out why we were led out here. I don't know what that is; maybe it's simply to ensure we can be here when my father turns 80 next month. Who knows. Whatever it is, I have no doubt that it will reveal itself in time.

So, meanwhile...a new year, a new me. Back in the saddle for real. If this illness wasn't my wake-up call, I don't know what it was.

I'm heeding the call. Time to get up and lace up those Nikes!

Best wishes to you all for a lovely, prosperous, healthy, and JOYFUL 2009! We will be joyful tomorrow, when a bit of home in the form of Auntie Sue comes to visit for a week. Yay!