Flagging Motivation

It's been a hideous three months.

Our friend Mark passed away at the end of March; at that time, I was up to running four miles at a shot and feeling pretty good about it. But then he died and I fell apart, along with my husband.

Needless to say, I haven't run much at all since then. A couple miles here and there, but I'm all messed up inside. My days are swapped with my nights; I get all motivated and charged up at 1:30 in the morning (well, 1:42 a.m. is what it is right now), but then in the morning I can't move. Worse yet, I caught Kent's and Sylvia's cold, or whatever it was, that causes crushing headaches. I've been battling that for almost a week now.

So right now, at 1:42...no, 1:43... a.m., I'm fired up and ready to run. In seven hours, I'll just want to sleep, and my head will be exploding.

That is, if the pattern follows that of the past week.

What to do, what to do?

I couldn't sleep--again--so I got up and looked online for triathlons. Nothing like signing up for a race to get you charged.

I found one in Boise in August. I emailed Pam, and asked if she wants to do it with me. If she says yes, I'm signing up. Then I have to start getting serious.

Just...the past few months have been difficult. Kent was pinkslipped, and we didn't know if he'd be rehired. It wasn't until this past week, after school was already out, that we found out that his job was saved, and he will be rehired next year. However, then he'll be pinkslipped again. His district in Maine wants him back, though, so we'll probably return to Maine--for good this time--in July of 2010.

Thank goodness. I miss Maine, and my house. I can't wait to go back to it.

Plus of course Kent's depression over Mark's death has been difficult for everyone. I didn't know how to help; truthfully, there's not much I can do. He'll have to get through this somehow. I can't fix it for him. You aren't essentially brothers with someone for 33 years and then get over that loss overnight. As a friend said recently, "Grief isn't linear." Some days he's fine; others, he falls apart. I'm sort of that way too. It's been hard to want to move. Sometimes I simply want to watch TV or play on Facebook or read until I grow so still, moss creeps along and covers me up.

So. Motivation. What I miss is my own treadmill. It's an excuse--but I do miss that ready place to run. Sometimes it's hard to get out the door. I want to, but then I don't. And I find excuses, and the next thing I know...I'm sleeping in, or my headache plants me in one place.

But I remember the running, the feeling of strength, feeling like I had all the oxygen in the world when I was running along and felt like I was flying. No shortness of breath, no tightness in the chest...just strength and breath and life.

And I so miss that.

So this is supposed to be a blog about how I "fixed" myself, and went from obese to athlete. Except it has turned out to be a bit of a treatise on how a crappy life situation can sideline you instead. And I'm still struggling with that.

I know I can fix this. I just need to get moving and do the hard work I need to do to get back to my fit self.

The first steps: sign up for a triathlon. Hopefully with Pam. Also, sign up with the local running shop's 10K training program. That starts on Tuesday. I have to do something; if I'm forced to go, beause I paid money and people are expecting me, I'll do it. And I know myself. Once I get started, I won't be content with a little run here and there. I'll want to improve my stamina. After all, the ultimate goal is the Honolulu Marathon this December.

Actually, that's not true. The Honolulu Marathon is A GOAL. The ultimate goal is my fit, healthy, happy self. Back in Maine. I don't want to go back as I am; I want to go back as I was.

Running is the key. It just takes the first step.

Then again, all the greatest journeys in life always start with that first step.

As John Bingham would say, "Waddle on, my friends." I guess I'll be doing that literally, starting this week! :)

Go, Me!!!

Finding the Motivation

Today I did something I haven't done in two months.

I read Runner's World online.

To say I haven't been running puts it mildly. I haven't been doing ANYTHING.

But something I read on John "The Penguin" Bingham's blog got to me. I decided I'd post his blog (with the appropriate link), and the reply I added. I think it kinda sums it up.

Job 1: Get over my cold.
Job 2: Get running again.

Take care,
Karina
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Finding the Right Distance
"Ask the Penguin" Blog
John "The Penguin" Bingham
Runner's World, Feb. 6, 2009

Dear John,
I am 42, female, and a runner/gym enthusiast. I tried for many years to run a marathon but kept getting hurt during training. Then I decided to join running groups to help me train properly. The first time I trained with a group, in 2006, I made it to the fifth month of training but developed knee pain. Day of the marathon, I started hurting at the 6-mile mark, so I cut my race in half.

The second year of training with another running group was better. I finished five months of training without incident. But on the day of the marathon, I started cramping at mile 17. The rest of the way was very painful, with me unable to move at times and in tears.

I was tired of not finishing anything, so I just grit my teeth and kept going. I ended up finishing the race an hour over my goal with both hams, quads, and calves cramping.

After training for two marathons two years back to back, I had difficulty maintaining fitness. It seems that after I run these races, my body just bonks. Three weeks post-race, I can hardly catch my breath running just one mile, depression sets in, my resting heart rate is elevated, and I just do not have any energy. This lasts seven to 11 months. I am scared now to train for another marathon.

I have just now recovered from one of these post-marathon "bonks" a year after I ran. Needless to say, I have gained weight and lost fitness. I tried several times to get back to running, but the desire and energy were just not there. I want to get fit again. Can you help me out? - Eileen

Hi, Eileen. Thanks for writing. Some of what you’re describing is fairly typical. There is a “post marathon syndrome” in which we are mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I’ve run 45 marathons. I’ve had the exact sensation of trying to run a week or so later and wondering how in the world I ever ran 26.2 miles and how in the world did I get so out of shape so quickly.

So, as uncomfortable as you may feel, it’s not something to worry about.

Marathons have become what one writer described as “the great urban Everest.” They seem to have become the standard by which contemporary runners judge themselves. It’s unfortunate, really, because there are so many other great distances that might suit many runners better than the marathon.

The question you need to answer for yourself is, what’s your ideal race distance? What is the distance that you can enjoy both training for, and participating in? Maybe you’re a 5-K runner. You like the full-on, go-for-broke, go-hard-and-hang-on feeling that you get in a 5-K. Maybe you’re a 10-K runner. You like the artistry of finding the razor-edge between too fast and too slow.

I’ve found that I really like the half-marathon distance. It’s far enough that someone like me, who is terminally slow, can feel like we’ve accomplished something special, but no so far that I put too much stress on my body, mind, and soul.

So, find your own joy. Find the distance that gives you that joy and focus on it. My guess is that you’ll be a happier, healthier runner if you do.

Waddle on,
John

John “the Penguin” Bingham, Runner’s World columnist
Author, The Courage to Start, No Need for Speed, Marathoning for Mortals and Running for Mortals.

Have a question for John? E-mail it to thepenguin@johnbingham.com.

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My reply: (dated Feb. 25, 2009, 5:05:24 p.m.)

I too am 42 and female...LOL there's a lot of us...and I haven't run since last December. We made a move to California from Maine which ended up being a mistake, but we're trying to deal with it...meanwhile, the upheaval of living five months out of a suitcase then the actual unpacking in December when we got a house put running dead last. Now I cannot drag myself out the door.

Prior to the move I had completed my first 20-mile run in four hours, and felt fabulous during and after. I know I can do it. So why aren't I? I would imagine some form of depression or sadness is part of it (from this horrendous relocation), stress (the daily threat of my husband losing his teaching job due to CA politics), tiredness (I have a history of anemia...but I didn't think of that as a potential cause of it), and anxiety (two houses in two states and the worry over upkeep and paying my taxes).

I know if I run, I'll run the chaos out of my brain and it will give me energy, clarity and focus...so why am I not doing it? I'm blessed because I've always run injury-free--probably because I'm also slow (and proud of it). So why can't I get out there??

Anyway, the point of this long ramble is that Eileen, you're not alone, each of us has our own running battle to fight from time to time, but in the end, running is worth it. Your email reminded me of that. I forgot how much I loved to run and that, truly, the only thing holding me back is my head. Even my toddler isn't an impediment: I've been running with her since she was 4 months old.

I would agree that you should play around and find your distance. I found that I love long distances--I can go for a couple hours and be happy as a lark--but I cannot stand 5Ks because I'm so slow and the race is over too fast. I always said that I may not be fast, but I can plod on forever.

Anyway, you can do it--and I know I can also. Time for us both to get out there and take our first baby steps! Good luck!

Posted by: Karina | Feb 25, 2009 5:05:24 PM

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Truly a good answer to myself. Now I just need to listen, and learn.

As John says, Waddle on, my friends!