Flagging Motivation

It's been a hideous three months.

Our friend Mark passed away at the end of March; at that time, I was up to running four miles at a shot and feeling pretty good about it. But then he died and I fell apart, along with my husband.

Needless to say, I haven't run much at all since then. A couple miles here and there, but I'm all messed up inside. My days are swapped with my nights; I get all motivated and charged up at 1:30 in the morning (well, 1:42 a.m. is what it is right now), but then in the morning I can't move. Worse yet, I caught Kent's and Sylvia's cold, or whatever it was, that causes crushing headaches. I've been battling that for almost a week now.

So right now, at 1:42...no, 1:43... a.m., I'm fired up and ready to run. In seven hours, I'll just want to sleep, and my head will be exploding.

That is, if the pattern follows that of the past week.

What to do, what to do?

I couldn't sleep--again--so I got up and looked online for triathlons. Nothing like signing up for a race to get you charged.

I found one in Boise in August. I emailed Pam, and asked if she wants to do it with me. If she says yes, I'm signing up. Then I have to start getting serious.

Just...the past few months have been difficult. Kent was pinkslipped, and we didn't know if he'd be rehired. It wasn't until this past week, after school was already out, that we found out that his job was saved, and he will be rehired next year. However, then he'll be pinkslipped again. His district in Maine wants him back, though, so we'll probably return to Maine--for good this time--in July of 2010.

Thank goodness. I miss Maine, and my house. I can't wait to go back to it.

Plus of course Kent's depression over Mark's death has been difficult for everyone. I didn't know how to help; truthfully, there's not much I can do. He'll have to get through this somehow. I can't fix it for him. You aren't essentially brothers with someone for 33 years and then get over that loss overnight. As a friend said recently, "Grief isn't linear." Some days he's fine; others, he falls apart. I'm sort of that way too. It's been hard to want to move. Sometimes I simply want to watch TV or play on Facebook or read until I grow so still, moss creeps along and covers me up.

So. Motivation. What I miss is my own treadmill. It's an excuse--but I do miss that ready place to run. Sometimes it's hard to get out the door. I want to, but then I don't. And I find excuses, and the next thing I know...I'm sleeping in, or my headache plants me in one place.

But I remember the running, the feeling of strength, feeling like I had all the oxygen in the world when I was running along and felt like I was flying. No shortness of breath, no tightness in the chest...just strength and breath and life.

And I so miss that.

So this is supposed to be a blog about how I "fixed" myself, and went from obese to athlete. Except it has turned out to be a bit of a treatise on how a crappy life situation can sideline you instead. And I'm still struggling with that.

I know I can fix this. I just need to get moving and do the hard work I need to do to get back to my fit self.

The first steps: sign up for a triathlon. Hopefully with Pam. Also, sign up with the local running shop's 10K training program. That starts on Tuesday. I have to do something; if I'm forced to go, beause I paid money and people are expecting me, I'll do it. And I know myself. Once I get started, I won't be content with a little run here and there. I'll want to improve my stamina. After all, the ultimate goal is the Honolulu Marathon this December.

Actually, that's not true. The Honolulu Marathon is A GOAL. The ultimate goal is my fit, healthy, happy self. Back in Maine. I don't want to go back as I am; I want to go back as I was.

Running is the key. It just takes the first step.

Then again, all the greatest journeys in life always start with that first step.

As John Bingham would say, "Waddle on, my friends." I guess I'll be doing that literally, starting this week! :)

Go, Me!!!

The scale said WHAT? (GAH!)

Oh man oh man oh man.

Everything associated with the move to California has been a mess. My weight is just one more part of it.

I gained 20 pounds in the move, and then stopped running and gained 15 more since December.

So now I'm flirting with the edge of 200, and feeling really annoyed about it.

However, I got back on track. I got a "fitbook", which I love, as it helps me plan and keep track of my exercise and nutrition (without freaking about calories), and I've been running 3 times per week plus doing strength training once or twice a week.

I lost five pounds the first week.

I gained two the next.

And today? The scale is telling me I gained three more. Along with 2% body fat!

How is this possible?? How can a person gain two percent body fat in three days--since Friday, when last I weighed myself??

Welcome back to Frustrationland!! AGAIN!

(Sigh!)

I don't understand this. I wish I hadn't bought one of those fancy scales that gives you the body fat percentage. It's just confusing me. I might give it away and get a cheapo plain scale.

I used to have a big, glass scale we got at Brookstone, and it was simply a digital scale. But it was so huge and heavy, and you couldn't tuck it away anywhere, so I gave it away when we moved. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have it back. I tracked in the 0.1 range for weight, and as I said--it didn't do the body fat thing.

Anyway, it really makes me mad more than anything. I didn't lose 100 pounds only to regain 35 of it.

Again, not that, in the grand scheme of things, it's such a huge deal. At a size 12, I'm still way more healthy than I was at a size 20. And being able to run a 5K at an 11 minute per mile pace is pretty darn awesome too. I'm sure my cholesterol and triglycerides are doing fine, they always are when I eat lots of salmon and walnuts and all that good stuff, which I am right now. In fact, I'm actually eating disgustingly healthfully, a lot of organic, very little sugar (OK I had two...three!...cookies yesterday), and lots of "real" food. I only shop the "perimeter" of the store, where all the fresh stuff is, and rarely venture into the aisles unless I need cereal for Kent and the kids.

What I'm not doing is eating a lot of veggies, but the fitbook has a checkoff for veggies so that's helping me there.

Again, as I said, in the grand scheme of things, I'm a lot healthier than I was. I'm more fit, more active, stronger, and more capable than I was for 15 years.

However, I'm not where I was last June, and right now that's killing me. I liked being that fit; I liked being able to run 20 miles. And I liked feeling slim and small, although I must admit, my face got a little too thin. I was looking a little haggard there. Or was that the two solid weeks of packing that did it? (wink!)

I think right now what's bothering me the most is that I don't feel small like I did before. I liked that feeling. Like Kent and I weren't the same size--and frankly, for a while, we were. And right now, with my clothes the wrong size, even if they're mediums and larges (and not extra-large or 1x or 2x), I still don't feel small.

So back to the drawing board. I just finished reading a book called Real Food, by Nina Planck, and she wrote a lot of interesting things about eating real eggs and real milk and even butter, not that I want to slather all my food in a pound of butter, but certainly it's better than hydrogenated margarine.

I will keep on the pace I'm on--strength training, running, and try to add walks in where I'm not doing either. And I'm tracking my food now, so I'll be better about getting those veggies and fruits in. That's something that, frankly, I've been horrible at lately, and I know that I was eating way more of them when I was lighter. And I need to re-read YOU: On a Diet, by Dr. Oz. I did that before and it helped me to see it was all physiological.

And right now, when the scale is telling me I gained 3 pounds and 2% body fat in one weekend, I need all the help I can get to remember it's NOT the Diet Gods out to get me.

I just gotta get back in the zone of want-power; I can do this. I did it before. I will do it again.

Have fun and enjoy health!

Officially Back in Training

Today was my 2nd day of run training. I am back at it. But to explain how, I first have to back up a bit...

On Saturday, Feb. 28, I went to Sacramento on my own to get this laptop (MacBook) repaired--there was a crack in the casing. While I was there, I went to SportsAuthority, and looked for a sports watch. I needed one in the worst way. I totally scored, and found a brand new UnderArmour training watch. It was normally priced $89, and was marked down to $50. I was so excited; the price was right, and it had all the features I needed. It's pink and it has a chronometer and an interval timer. The chronometer tracks my overall time and the splits (individual laps or segments of sport, such as in a triathlon), up to 75 different splits. The interval timer lets me program run/walk intervals, with an alarm, so I can run a set time and then walk a set time, which is a standard training routine for new runners, or returning runners like me.

So now, we're heading back up to last Tuesday. I took out my new watch, and set it with two intervals: a 2 minute, and a 30 second. That is, I planned to do 2 minutes of running followed by a 30 second walk. I hoped I'd be able to handle that much running, and that I wouldn't have to dial up the walk segment to a minute or even (gasp) time equal to running.

After Karalyn went to baby Gymnastics last week, I dropped her off at child care to "play", which she willingly did in lieu of going home for a nap, and then I hit the treadmill.

I went two miles of run/walk, and walked an additional two after that. It was tough but I did it. I walked the next day, and that was it for the week.

Cue up the music for today...duh duh DUHHH! What would have happened after one single run? I decided to be positive, and so I reset my watch for a 3 minute run, 30 second walk. Once again, after baby Gymnastics, Kara went to play and I hit the treadmill.

Watching the little TV monitor on the treadmill kept me occupied so I didn't dwell on the time. I watched "What Not To Wear," which is a really fun show where people's wardrobes are hijacked, dumped, and then the two hosts give the person $5 grand to buy a new wardrobe, following their suggestions. The lady today had lost a lot of weight but still had the roll around the middle...sort of like me!...and so it was interesting to see what kind of wardrobe they had her choose. She was still a size 18 or so, which I am not any longer--I'm currently a 12, up from my former size 8 in Maine--but it was still interesting.

The time flew by and before I knew it, I had run a 5K. I did 3.2 miles! I was elated! I walked an additional 2 miles, like last week, and then realized that, along with the elation, I felt depressed at the same time.

Depressed? Why?

My pace was pretty much a 12-minute mile pace, or 5 mph. That was my slow-and-easy pace when I ran my 20 miles back in May, and even back then I wasn't doing a 3 minute run and 30 second walk. I was running pretty much the full five miles with a short break and then rehitting another 5, for four loops. My normal easy pace was 10 minute miles for 6 miles at a time (sometimes more, up to 12 miles); my race pace was around a 9 minute mile. And here I was, run/walking a 12 minute mile.

However, the sense of elation returned when I realized that after months of not running, I was able to run/walk a 5K faster than the first ever 5K I walked with Maddy, way back in 2007. I also remembered a post I saw late last night when I was perusing a site called "43 things" that there were a whole lot of people who had as a goal, "Run one mile". And I thought...I just did 3.2, on 2 days' practice.

So I'll take being elated. My training will be to compete in the 12K Bay t0 Breakers race in San Francisco. There is a killer hill early in, and I know I will probably have to walk at least some of that, but I hope to run the rest of it, at least most of the rest of it. That will be about an 8 mile run. I've walked it before, and was wicked sore afterwards, but that was back in 1992 and I was also horribly unfit back then. I have been wanting to do the Bay to Breakers for almost 2 years, now, and now I will have my chance.

I hope to run more this week. We head to Eureka for a family visit this weekend, and I plan to do some running there, too. Hopefully by the time next Tuesday rolls around, I will be able to maybe bump it up to 4 minutes' run, 30 second walk. We'll see.

Either way, I'm back in training! Yay me! :)

Finding the Motivation

Today I did something I haven't done in two months.

I read Runner's World online.

To say I haven't been running puts it mildly. I haven't been doing ANYTHING.

But something I read on John "The Penguin" Bingham's blog got to me. I decided I'd post his blog (with the appropriate link), and the reply I added. I think it kinda sums it up.

Job 1: Get over my cold.
Job 2: Get running again.

Take care,
Karina
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Finding the Right Distance
"Ask the Penguin" Blog
John "The Penguin" Bingham
Runner's World, Feb. 6, 2009

Dear John,
I am 42, female, and a runner/gym enthusiast. I tried for many years to run a marathon but kept getting hurt during training. Then I decided to join running groups to help me train properly. The first time I trained with a group, in 2006, I made it to the fifth month of training but developed knee pain. Day of the marathon, I started hurting at the 6-mile mark, so I cut my race in half.

The second year of training with another running group was better. I finished five months of training without incident. But on the day of the marathon, I started cramping at mile 17. The rest of the way was very painful, with me unable to move at times and in tears.

I was tired of not finishing anything, so I just grit my teeth and kept going. I ended up finishing the race an hour over my goal with both hams, quads, and calves cramping.

After training for two marathons two years back to back, I had difficulty maintaining fitness. It seems that after I run these races, my body just bonks. Three weeks post-race, I can hardly catch my breath running just one mile, depression sets in, my resting heart rate is elevated, and I just do not have any energy. This lasts seven to 11 months. I am scared now to train for another marathon.

I have just now recovered from one of these post-marathon "bonks" a year after I ran. Needless to say, I have gained weight and lost fitness. I tried several times to get back to running, but the desire and energy were just not there. I want to get fit again. Can you help me out? - Eileen

Hi, Eileen. Thanks for writing. Some of what you’re describing is fairly typical. There is a “post marathon syndrome” in which we are mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I’ve run 45 marathons. I’ve had the exact sensation of trying to run a week or so later and wondering how in the world I ever ran 26.2 miles and how in the world did I get so out of shape so quickly.

So, as uncomfortable as you may feel, it’s not something to worry about.

Marathons have become what one writer described as “the great urban Everest.” They seem to have become the standard by which contemporary runners judge themselves. It’s unfortunate, really, because there are so many other great distances that might suit many runners better than the marathon.

The question you need to answer for yourself is, what’s your ideal race distance? What is the distance that you can enjoy both training for, and participating in? Maybe you’re a 5-K runner. You like the full-on, go-for-broke, go-hard-and-hang-on feeling that you get in a 5-K. Maybe you’re a 10-K runner. You like the artistry of finding the razor-edge between too fast and too slow.

I’ve found that I really like the half-marathon distance. It’s far enough that someone like me, who is terminally slow, can feel like we’ve accomplished something special, but no so far that I put too much stress on my body, mind, and soul.

So, find your own joy. Find the distance that gives you that joy and focus on it. My guess is that you’ll be a happier, healthier runner if you do.

Waddle on,
John

John “the Penguin” Bingham, Runner’s World columnist
Author, The Courage to Start, No Need for Speed, Marathoning for Mortals and Running for Mortals.

Have a question for John? E-mail it to thepenguin@johnbingham.com.

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My reply: (dated Feb. 25, 2009, 5:05:24 p.m.)

I too am 42 and female...LOL there's a lot of us...and I haven't run since last December. We made a move to California from Maine which ended up being a mistake, but we're trying to deal with it...meanwhile, the upheaval of living five months out of a suitcase then the actual unpacking in December when we got a house put running dead last. Now I cannot drag myself out the door.

Prior to the move I had completed my first 20-mile run in four hours, and felt fabulous during and after. I know I can do it. So why aren't I? I would imagine some form of depression or sadness is part of it (from this horrendous relocation), stress (the daily threat of my husband losing his teaching job due to CA politics), tiredness (I have a history of anemia...but I didn't think of that as a potential cause of it), and anxiety (two houses in two states and the worry over upkeep and paying my taxes).

I know if I run, I'll run the chaos out of my brain and it will give me energy, clarity and focus...so why am I not doing it? I'm blessed because I've always run injury-free--probably because I'm also slow (and proud of it). So why can't I get out there??

Anyway, the point of this long ramble is that Eileen, you're not alone, each of us has our own running battle to fight from time to time, but in the end, running is worth it. Your email reminded me of that. I forgot how much I loved to run and that, truly, the only thing holding me back is my head. Even my toddler isn't an impediment: I've been running with her since she was 4 months old.

I would agree that you should play around and find your distance. I found that I love long distances--I can go for a couple hours and be happy as a lark--but I cannot stand 5Ks because I'm so slow and the race is over too fast. I always said that I may not be fast, but I can plod on forever.

Anyway, you can do it--and I know I can also. Time for us both to get out there and take our first baby steps! Good luck!

Posted by: Karina | Feb 25, 2009 5:05:24 PM

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Truly a good answer to myself. Now I just need to listen, and learn.

As John says, Waddle on, my friends!