Flagging Motivation

It's been a hideous three months.

Our friend Mark passed away at the end of March; at that time, I was up to running four miles at a shot and feeling pretty good about it. But then he died and I fell apart, along with my husband.

Needless to say, I haven't run much at all since then. A couple miles here and there, but I'm all messed up inside. My days are swapped with my nights; I get all motivated and charged up at 1:30 in the morning (well, 1:42 a.m. is what it is right now), but then in the morning I can't move. Worse yet, I caught Kent's and Sylvia's cold, or whatever it was, that causes crushing headaches. I've been battling that for almost a week now.

So right now, at 1:42...no, 1:43... a.m., I'm fired up and ready to run. In seven hours, I'll just want to sleep, and my head will be exploding.

That is, if the pattern follows that of the past week.

What to do, what to do?

I couldn't sleep--again--so I got up and looked online for triathlons. Nothing like signing up for a race to get you charged.

I found one in Boise in August. I emailed Pam, and asked if she wants to do it with me. If she says yes, I'm signing up. Then I have to start getting serious.

Just...the past few months have been difficult. Kent was pinkslipped, and we didn't know if he'd be rehired. It wasn't until this past week, after school was already out, that we found out that his job was saved, and he will be rehired next year. However, then he'll be pinkslipped again. His district in Maine wants him back, though, so we'll probably return to Maine--for good this time--in July of 2010.

Thank goodness. I miss Maine, and my house. I can't wait to go back to it.

Plus of course Kent's depression over Mark's death has been difficult for everyone. I didn't know how to help; truthfully, there's not much I can do. He'll have to get through this somehow. I can't fix it for him. You aren't essentially brothers with someone for 33 years and then get over that loss overnight. As a friend said recently, "Grief isn't linear." Some days he's fine; others, he falls apart. I'm sort of that way too. It's been hard to want to move. Sometimes I simply want to watch TV or play on Facebook or read until I grow so still, moss creeps along and covers me up.

So. Motivation. What I miss is my own treadmill. It's an excuse--but I do miss that ready place to run. Sometimes it's hard to get out the door. I want to, but then I don't. And I find excuses, and the next thing I know...I'm sleeping in, or my headache plants me in one place.

But I remember the running, the feeling of strength, feeling like I had all the oxygen in the world when I was running along and felt like I was flying. No shortness of breath, no tightness in the chest...just strength and breath and life.

And I so miss that.

So this is supposed to be a blog about how I "fixed" myself, and went from obese to athlete. Except it has turned out to be a bit of a treatise on how a crappy life situation can sideline you instead. And I'm still struggling with that.

I know I can fix this. I just need to get moving and do the hard work I need to do to get back to my fit self.

The first steps: sign up for a triathlon. Hopefully with Pam. Also, sign up with the local running shop's 10K training program. That starts on Tuesday. I have to do something; if I'm forced to go, beause I paid money and people are expecting me, I'll do it. And I know myself. Once I get started, I won't be content with a little run here and there. I'll want to improve my stamina. After all, the ultimate goal is the Honolulu Marathon this December.

Actually, that's not true. The Honolulu Marathon is A GOAL. The ultimate goal is my fit, healthy, happy self. Back in Maine. I don't want to go back as I am; I want to go back as I was.

Running is the key. It just takes the first step.

Then again, all the greatest journeys in life always start with that first step.

As John Bingham would say, "Waddle on, my friends." I guess I'll be doing that literally, starting this week! :)

Go, Me!!!