Dealing with Frustration

Today was another Epic Fail.

I've had a lot of those lately.

So being here in Northern California kinda sucks, overall. I miss Maine (boy do I miss Maine!) and I have had the worst homesickness you can possibly imagine. But the worst of it isn't just missing Maine, or trying to get used the California; it's this total lack of running ability I'm dealing with right now.

We joined the YMCA here and I was delighted that they just transferred our membership from the Biddeford Y, rather than making us pay the $60 membership fee all over again. I figured I could easily regain my fitness, with some focused effort.

The first couple days went well. I took baby Kara, and she happily played in the childcare area while I did a Yoga and Pilates class for an hour. That was tough. I did the poses all right, and only fell over once (yep!) when I realized my hand was in the wrong position and tried to put it in the right one without standing up first. Bad move. Fail! (THUNK!) The teacher laughed and said that her theory is that if you don't fall over, you're not trying hard enough. I like her! It was a good class and I was proud of myself for doing so well.

That evening, I started to tighten up. I took some advil, then at 11 I took more.

The next morning, by body launched an all-out revolt. EVERY muscle was SCREAMING at me. "Stupid! Stupid! Stooopid!! See what you did? What were you thinking??"

Even raising my arms to get a glass from the cupboard was painful. And walking! Or bending! Or basically even moving!

Good lord.

It took me Friday, Saturday, Sunday AND Monday to get back to normal. Wow.

Just in time for Tuesday's class.

I was delighted on Tuesday that I did OK again. Not as well as the first time...I think my muscles were still in open revolt and didn't want to put themselves through the contortions I was attempting. But I managed.

Afterwards, Kara and I did a "baby gymnastics class" and she enjoyed it, despite putting on the brakes and saying "Nooo!" when I first took her to childcare that morning. I thought we were home free.

Then Wednesday comes along. I tried to take Karalyn in, and she had a meltdown. I really think it was partially my fault. Babycenter.com sent me this dumb article about "separation anxiety" and "terrible twos" and suggested you NEVER "sneak" out when you leave your child. That saying bye-bye will teach her that I will always come back.

Well duh. I've done "bye-bye" ever since she was little. But this time? Not so good. I should have just sneaked out and let them distract her. But Nooooo, I had to push it and do the bye-bye thing.

She melted down, but they were busy distracting her when I left for the treadmills. I had decided that this day, I would run a 5K without stopping. I was steaming along at a pathetic 11 min/mile pace (totally slow!) and suddenly, when I was at 2.2 miles and doing OK, I hear my name on the intercom...interspersed with the sounds of my daughter crying in the background.

Oh geez.

So much for running. Insomnia that night kept me from sleeping, so Thursday I didn't even take Kent to school so I could have the car. No YMCA for me that day!

That brings us to today. Another bout of insomnia had me only sleeping 5 hours, but I managed to get up to take Kent to work so I could have the car, and by 9:30 we were at the Y. She again refused to go in, but this time I distracted her and ran for the door when she wasn't looking.

25 minutes later: "Will Karina please come to childcare?!"

And it was a PATHETIC 25 minutes. I only managed 1.7 miles; some of that was walking! I couldn't even maintain my sad little 11 min/mile pace, so I did "sprints" of 9 1/2 min/mile for about a tenth of a mile or two, then walked. I cannot believe I used to do 2 miles at 10 min/mile, eight sprints at a 5 1/2 min/mile pace (interspersed with jogging 11 min/mile), then two more miles at 10 min/mile!

WHERE has my fitness gone? A couple minutes at 9 1/2 minute/miles?? Holy cow!

So now I'm in this new world. It's called Frustrationland, and I'm BOUND and DETERMINED not to let it get to me.

You might think that I've been here before. Well, I haven't. Remember, 17 years as a morbidly obese woman weighing in at 259 pounds meant that I didn't really have any fitness to speak of. I certainly couldn't run a mile, or even a half for that matter. So every new level was a new PR; a personal record, a "best" so to speak. So each fitness gain was greater than the one before. And every new gain left me feeling better and better, higher and higher.

Now I'm in Frustrationland, and the view is very different. I run a couple miles one day, and the next time I run 2.2 miles. Instead of being pleased at the gain, I'm annoyed that I can ONLY run that far. Running 10 minute miles used to be my "average" pace; now it's my sprints and I can only maintain it for a few minutes at a time. Gone are my 6-8 milers at that pace. I couldn't even complete a 4-mile race right now without stopping. Last Thanksgiving, I did four miles at a super easy 10 minute/mile pace because my leg was hurting!

So Frustrationland is a new and ugly place to live. It's almost as bad as Northern California. 20 "easy" miles in four hours looks so far away from where I am right now, I can't imagine how long it's going to take me to get BACK to that level of fitness.

After leaving the Y with a teary baby in hand, I went straight to my local FleetFeet store and begged for their help. I explained that I don't need stuff; I need resources. They gave me a handful of flyers, but more importantly I got on an email list and I'll be joining a Training Program to do a Thanksgiving 10K race. I explained my predicament, and they said the training will be a Galloway-style run/walk program. Looking over the signup sheet, I can see there are three levels:

1) Run/Walkers
2) Runners, 11-13 min/mile pace group
3) Runners, under 11 min/mile pace group

Peeking through the curtains of Frustrationland, I note that while once I would have checked off level 3 without hesitation, now I can't even be sure I would manage 2. I may have to do 1.

SO! At least I have a goal and a plan in hand. Starting next Saturday, Sept. 13, I will be meeting with a group of people and starting from scratch. I will have to go back to run/walk, and become a newbie all over again. I did this once; I can do it again. From June until September I went from a walk/slight jogger to a half marathoner. I am sure I can manage a triathlon by next spring, and maybe that marathon will be in sight for next year.

I can do this. I will do this. I canNOT let Frustration get me down.

Now if only Karalyn will cooperate and leave the separation anxiety behind...until she does, at least I have my training group, and maybe I'll have to get back to dawn running. It's worth it. Now that I know what fitness and health--and the conspicuous lack of both--feels like, I never want to lose either of them again.

"Success doesn't come to you...you go to it." - Marva Collins

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Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor. However, I am a teacher certified in both California and Maine to teach science curriculum, including the human body (and health/nutrition) to kids in grades K-8. This blog is my attempt to wade through the current thinking and my own journey to fitness and health, and to present it in a way that makes sense to everyone. As a woman who is successfully recovering from obesity, I feel it's even more important to help others understand what I did to lose the weight; what worked, what didn't, and what the struggle has been like as I went from morbid obesity to fitness. It doesn't mean that I have all the answers, however. If you want to lose weight or gain fitness and health, by all means, read my blog--I think I can provide some help and clarity. BUT, please know that I am NOT a medical expert, and you should most definitely consult with your own doctor or family physician before undertaking any exercise and/or weight loss efforts yourself. Weight loss and fitness are personal journeys. I'm making mine visible to the world, but each of us has to take our own steps with our own doctor's guidance; please make sure you check in with yours before you try to do anything I have done. Good luck, and congratulations for taking that first step!