Getting Your Head in the Game

"Half this game is 90% mental." -- Yogi Berra
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I have learned a lot of lessons over the last eight months in this whole process of recovering from obesity. The most important thing I have learned, though, is that it really is up to you whether you're going to win or lose at the weight-loss game.

That wasn't something I appreciated at first, mind you. In fact, it drove me nuts. Throughout my 17 years of being unsuccessful at losing weight, I thought it was always all about willpower.

I am one stubborn person. And I thought I had all the willpower in the world. But in looking back, I can see now that I had a lot of want-power, but not a lot of willpower.

I wanted my life to change, but I did not have the willpower to change my lifestyle.

Oh, sure, don't get me wrong. I could restrict calories with the best of them. I could deny myself a cookie or those blasted Ho-Hos for a while. But eventually, not being allowed to have them made them that forbidden fruit. And we all know what that did to Eve.

But what I didn't get was that losing weight wasn't about a quick-fix, this-is-what-you-do-to-lose-weight-and-then-you-can-go-back-to-normal type of solution. I still thought losing weight was something different you did for a while. I didn't realize that it wasn't about DOING different, it was about BEING different.

I could deny and deny myself the junk food, but it wasn't until I ACCEPTED certain things that my weight started to drop consistently.

First of all, I had to accept that cookies are always going to exist, and that frankly, I like cookies, and I'm never going to give them up entirely. Ditto with chocolate.

I had to accept that I HATE egg white omelettes with a passion. What is it with egg white omelettes anyway? I swear, anyone on a diet always eats egg white omelettes. I can't stand the things--they stick like mad, for one thing, and frankly, all the good flavor is in the yolks anyway!

I had to accept that this wasn't going to happen overnight. Much as we all want that "fat-blasting" workout, the "promise" of "hot legs" in days, or losing 18 pounds in 13 days, it's not going to happen. Period.

I had to accept that, in order to effectively lose weight, I was going to have to start exercising. And not calisthenics--I needed to use up some serious calories, and that meant moving major muscle groups. If I couldn't run, I needed to at least start walking, and do it consistently.

I had to accept that there would be some things I'd never be able to change. For example, I was fat for so long, my arms are just not returning to their pre-obesity size. Sure, they're smaller, but I now have what I call "bat wings" when I stick my arms out to the side. You know what I mean--the saggy skin under the arms that dangles down and flaps in the breeze. No amount of bicep and tricep work is gonna change that, unfortunately, no matter how strong those muscles become. Kent told me the other day that I could always have some plastic surgery if my arms really bother me, but I don't have the money and, much as it sounds intriguing, I am not doing anything until I've maintained a stable weight for a couple years anyhow.

And finally, I had to accept that this was a lifestyle change. I will never go back to sitting around, eating a whole bag of Hershey's kisses or a box of Ho-Hos while drinking hot chocolate and watching episode after episode of Law and Order.

Not eating a whole bag of kisses doesn't sound so difficult, perhaps, but there are some days that all I really, really want to do is just that: eat a bag of Hershey Kisses--or a few Ho-Hos--and drink hot cocoa while watching Law and Order! It's just that, so far, I haven't gotten to the point where I NEED to do that. I have already decided that if I get to that point sometime, I'll do it. I'm human, not perfect, and if I need to eat that bag of Hershey's Kisses, I'm not going to deny myself, because pretty soon I'd be headfirst in bag after bag again, and I am NOT going back to 259 pounds.

The most recent experience I had that illustrated how this is really a mental issue is when I went running on what my 7-year-old calls the "Circle of Death" in Portland last Sunday. It's a 3.5 mile loop trail, and I have already learned that I can run it nonstop. My normal pace is a 12 minute mile, but this past Sunday I wanted to see if I could step it up a bit. So off I went.

At first, I felt great. My legs felt very springy, like I had tons of muscle energy to spare. But, as happens every time, my chest got tight and my lungs were uncomfortable. But I kept going.

Did I mention that the day before, I had biked 19 miles at a 15 MPH pace and also ran 1.6 miles after that?

Needless to say, I didn't have a ton of energy for this. But I was determined.

I had read over and over that running is a mental game. If you think you can't, you won't. In fact, in one magazine article I read, a man was talking about how he couldn't break a certain pace until he left his usual track and ran a different one--one that didn't have the certain pace programmed into his head. He said that the change of scenery is what did it and he was finally able to break the 9-minute-mile pace he had been stuck in for months.

So I continued on, despite getting tired. I passed the 1 3/4 mile marker, and checked my watch. 20 minutes. I had bested my previous best time by one minute so far--the best I've ever done there is 42 minutes for the whole loop. If I continued this pace, I'd make it in 40.

But then I thought, I can do better than THAT. So I stepped it up even more.

Meanwhile, Maddy had a slow-speed crash on her bike, and Kent waved me forward alone. He kept Kara with him while he helped Maddy get up and put her bike to rights.

Unfortunately, this was right after I stepped up my pace, and he never did catch me after that. Plus, he had my water bottle.

So now I was into almost 30 minutes, no water, and running faster than I had ever gone before.

I wanted to stop. I had EVERY reason to stop.

First, my daughter had crashed. And though her Daddy waved me on, I wanted to see if she was OK, even though I knew she was.

Second, I was SO thirsty. I needed water. My tongue was dry and I was hot, since in deference to the cold day, I'd stupidly worn long Adidas sweatpants and a long-sleeved "wicking" running shirt.

Third, my lungs had about had it. My legs, initially quite springy, were starting to lose their energy too, and I suddenly remembered the 19 mile bike ride and 1.6 mile run the day before.

Fourth, I knew that I had run 4 miles nonstop just a couple days previously, so I knew I could easily do walking with short high-speed sprints instead and I'd get the same or better benefit.

After thinking all these things over, I actually started to pull up to walk, twice. But right before I slowed, I kicked it back into gear. I was NOT going to walk when I knew I could do this. It was my goal, after all, and I wanted to see if I could do it.

Running is a mental game, after all.

I got to the point where I was desperately counting mile-markers. I was down to six one-quarter-mile markers left to go, then five, then four...and somewhere along the line, number three got knocked down.

That was the longest half-mile of my life. I kept looking for the stupid signpost and it wasn't there! But I pushed on.

Finally I saw that I had a half mile left. I thought, if I run a 12-minute mile, that's only six minutes. I can do this for six more minutes.

When I hit one quarter mile left, I thought, three minutes. I can run for three minutes.

Then I had another thought:

If I run faster, I'll get done sooner.

OK. So that thought was almost as ridiculous as "Half this game is 90% mental." But you know, it did the trick. I took off as fast as my now-fatigued legs and lungs could take me. And when I got to the tree where we'd started, I put on my last burst of speed.

I was SPENT. But when I looked at my watch, I saw that the entire loop had taken me 37 minutes.

I had bested my previous fastest pace by FIVE minutes. I'm certainly not an expert, but shaving 5 minutes off my time seems pretty good to me!

Best of all, I managed what they call in the running/triathlon world a "Negative Split." Meaning that the second half of my run was faster (17 minutes) than my first half (20 minutes). That's pretty good in running!

So could I have walked? Certainly. It wouldn't have cost me anything. I could have freshened up, gotten some water, made sure Maddy was OK (she was), and then done sprints instead. But I wanted to see how fast I could go, and so I forged ahead. I took my 12-minute/mile pace down to a 10.5-minute mile pace. That's the fastest I think I have ever run in my life.

I wonder how fast I could go in a mile if I really kicked it? I'll have to try it and find out.

You might be wondering how my running story relates to losing weight. Strange though it may seem, it's really the perfect metaphor. You see, in the past, I would start out all motivated to lose weight, and think I was going to do it "even better" than I had before. I'd have a fast start, but when the going got tough, I'd start doubting myself.

Then something would happen to tax me mentally, physically, or emotionally, and rather than feeling the pain and redoubling my efforts, I'd pull up and quit.

The difference is that this time, I learned that it's really all about one day at a time--sounds like alcoholics anonymous, but obesity is its own form of addiction--and it's all about the mental toughness to keep going in the face of adversity.

I wasn't able to do that in the past. This time, I accepted the challenges and the pain, and if I "blew" it by eating too much one day, then that was one day out of my life. It wasn't my WHOLE life, if I didn't want it to be.

So you see, Yogi had it right. Half this game IS 90% mental. And until you get your head in the game, you cannot possibly win it.

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Disclaimer: Look, I'm not a doctor. However, I am a teacher certified in both California and Maine to teach science curriculum, including the human body (and health/nutrition) to kids in grades K-8. This blog is my attempt to wade through the current thinking on weight loss, and to present it in a way that makes sense to everyone. As a woman who is successfully recovering from obesity herself, I feel it's even more important to help others understand what I did to lose the weight; what worked, what didn't, and what the struggle has been like as I went from morbid obesity to fitness. It doesn't mean that I have all the answers, however. If you want to lose weight, by all means, read my blog--I think I can provide some help and clarity. BUT, please know that I am NOT a medical expert, and you should most definitely consult with your own doctor or family physician before undertaking any weight loss efforts yourself. Weight loss is a personal journey. I'm making mine visible to the world, but each of us has to take our own steps with our own doctor's guidance; please make sure you check in with yours before you try to do anything I have done. Good luck and God bless!